umm. so heres another story.
I hated knowing what was going to happen. I didn't know when "now" was happening, when the future starts, or when the past ends. My head was to full thinking about those things to try and think about what was happening right now. He was here and I was here, but it didn't feel right to call us a "we" at the time. He and I were siitting in his room; this was the safest and most familiar place I had known in a while, but somehow now it felt eerie and hard to breathe in.
He looked up at me and I could hardly see his eyes; how was I supposed to know that he was being honest? Did I belive him? If I did, I doubted I would still be questioning it. Would he be willing to say this tomorrow, yesterday? I stared into his hidden eyes and squinted a little in concentration.
"You don't have to say it back you know."
Oh, he was talking to me. I had to focus on his voice now, seek a speck of earnesty. I didn't answer, just looked at him, all my questions in my eyes, hopefully.
More talking from him, "It's fine if you don't love me. I don't care anymore. Just know that I love you more than anything. If you can't say it, it's fine."
What was he saying? He loved me, but he didn't care if I didn't? I mumbled a question, "What do you mean? Do you still want to? Even if I can't tell you I love you?"
He turned his head and looked intently at his shoes thrown on the floor beside him, avoiding my stare. He shrugged; a very childish shrug, ad if his mom had just asked him if he had broken something.
"It's not that I don't love you," I paused for what was probably too long. I needed to figure out how to say this without sounding mental, "it's just that what if I wake up here tomorrow morning?"
"You've woken up here before a bunch of times." This was true. Countless times I had fallen asleep in his bed. But notthing had happened. I just felt safer here.
I shook my head no, "But if I did after tonight, it won't be the same. What if I roll over and look at you and your bright green eyes had faded and your morning smile turned to a grimace?" So much for not sounding crazy. I couldn't stop now, "And what if I leave and you never come and find me?"
I looked at him, I supose I had been focusing all my attention to my feet. He was gazging at me this whole time; comprehending my paranoid ramblings.
